Just one moment

it is amazing how stuff just slaps us in the face sometimes. i had a one of those moments at the end of a rather hard day about 3 nights ago. i was rocking kyle to sleep after reading and singing to him. i was in the normal rush so i could have some me time on the computer or just in front of the TV, but for some reason i just held him a little longer and a little tighter than usual.
it was at this moment when i just thought to myself, 'if kyle and ty were to be out of my life for one reason or another tomorrow or vise versa, would i be okay with the kind of mother i am and how i am raising them?' and of course at this particular moment i had a rush of emotion with a flood of tears. just the very thought of never seeing the most awesome beings on the earth makes me want to vomit.
now, i'm sure i am not the first or the only mother to have this thought, but none-the-less i had it and it made me think, 'i would absolutely not be okay with the job i am doing!' i am not talking about the loving them part, because we can all be sure i am not lacking in that area and they know that. there is an abundance of hugs and kisses and i never forget to take the chance to tell them how much i love them and how much they mean to me.
i am talking about the parenting part, the teaching part, the discipline part, you know the, raising them part. Trying my hardest to make them mind, yet not to stifle there personality. trying to teach them without forcing them. i have not done this. i have let life and depression get the best of me. i find myself impatient and angry with them because i can't concentrate and my mind it else where. i yell to much without trying to figure the best way to teach them correct behavior. i always said i never want to resort to yelling and threatening, but i have been blindsided with mothering, totally caught off guard without a plan.
i guess realizing and admitting this is a good thing, although quite upsetting. i need to do something about it and not let my procrastinating tendencies take over.
i know one of the first things i need to do is turn off the mommy guilt, the TV, and give them and Scott my undivided attention.
I LOVE MY BOYS and want to do the best by them.