sabotage, self destruction, anxiety.....

all wrapped up in a package called jennifer's mind.

I sabotage myself with such with bad time management, absolutely no organizational traits and procrastination.

but the sabotage i am speaking of now was the weather on Monday. for those of you that live close, you know it has not rained in like 10 years here, not really, but it has been at least 2 months since we had good rain. well, i woke up Monday morning at 5:15 to start off my first day toward my triathlon goal. there was a dad-gum thunderstorm and i am not hard core enough yet to get out in that to walk, run or even pick my nose. so, i roll my happy, round butt back into bed, changed my alarm and went right back to sleep, however disappointed.

the self destruction on the other hand is one of the main reasons i set the goal to get out, train and compete. i have the most horrible internal communication with myself, VERY negative. (it is really amazing how hard one can be on them selves, almost to the point of destruction). it takes its toll and rares its ugly head in the form of depression and anger. i feel that if i can get out, exercise, clear my head and accomplish something that is scary to me, it will help me with that. the time by myself in the morning will be nice too.

And the Anxiety, well that is the swimming.
i know i have to swim in a triathlon.
i know it is not going to kill me to get through this.
i can do it.......right? yeah, just after i catch my breath.
i like the water. (this is not just positive talking, i really do, as long as NO ONE touches me)
i can swim, just not technically.
i can even swim with my head under water, when i'm not thinking about it.
But, when it comes to putting my head under water, exhaling and coming back up to breath to then put my head back under the water.....nope, not gonna happen....panic.....can't breath...get me out of the pool.....
I had my first 'lesson' on tuesday evening, freaking cold water, but i did it anyway because i am determined. all i could do was hold onto the side of the pool for twenty minutes, putting my head under water and blowing out. it was bad, but even in that twenty minutes, i could feel a little more control in myself. this is definitely gonna take awhile..luckily Kim is a very soft spoken, patient person, and i feel so comfortable(and safe) with her. thanks Kim!
So here's to getting over myself and being better.....