turning a corner.....

my whole life i have had such a negative feeling of self worth and such a negative image of myself that it has effected me in every aspect of my life.

i know i was not taught that my parents per say, but i learned it from people in my life. that it was taboo to hold yourself in high regards, to boast yourself or to in general like yourself. now whether that came from society as a whole and/or things people said in my life growing up, is for a therapist to decide.

i have never been able to take a complement because i generally did not believe it to be true, because i did not like myself or my image. and i certainly NEVER said out load if i was proud of any accomplishment i made or if i thought on a particular day i looked pretty.

so now, today i am changing that because dammit i am PROUD of myself.

I conquered one of my deepest seated fears and i SWAM!

Yes, i swam the freestyle stroke with my face in the water, turned my head to the side, took a breathe and swam to the end of the pool. all with out panicking and i did not die. now granted it was a short pool, but who cares? I.DID.IT!

i cried for about twenty minutes when i got in the pool before Kim showed up, got out of the pool to quit, got back in the pool and tried again, and just did it.

i want this so bad, to be proud of myself so my boys can be proud of their mother, i can't quit.

i have gotten up at 5:00am every morning and walked/ran. i ran a whole, continuous mile this morning.

i feel so much better about myself and energetically. i have been in a better mode and i have had a more positive attitude.

i really think this is it, what i have been needing, the something i am going to stick with and make me a better person.


(and a little something for Kim. thank you so much. i don't think i could have done this without you by my side. i know i actually did it myself yesterday, but it was because of your help. i feel so safe and comfortable with you. i love how soft-spoken, patient and encouraging you are. thank you!)